|
Post by Quo on May 29, 2020 5:42:06 GMT
After 6 years one should get a hang of it. It's been 6 years and now the patterns are coming into view. Outsiders see you one way, in terms of erratic and irrational behavior. You go through something else. Somehow bridging that gap brings some peace and opportunity of healing parts of yourself?
( 1. False asumption of shared objectiv reality: nope, everyone has subjecive experiences, I really dislike the few people that try act as arrogant absolute reality managers when someone is going through a *fragile* period. )
( Flipside: if you go unaware through your "something else", the subjectivity can become absolute. This is ok if you are used to it and don't hurt yourself or others. Prolongued it can become pathological. If you push it on others you become just another reality view manager. )
Strategies I could finally apply (borrowed from lucid dreaming and tripping) during acute breakdown/psychosis:
1. reality checks with others and self in moments of paranoia and mild hallucinations.... 2. emotional distancing/relativizing: this will pass, just an experience, have humor for it, maybe try understand it etc. 3. restore daily basic functions, keep track or ask for help keeping track: sleep, food, movement, social contact 4. cut out unneccessary triggers/stressors: if something is important ask help with getting it done, or build up to the point you can handle it yourself.. 5. Patience, keep in mind that things can or will restore to functional level
This is te first time in 4 major breakdowns that I can go through the "trip" more or less conscious. It brought up a lot of stuff to process. Under guardianship of my family, bit stressful at times but adjustment coming along. Much more potential than being locked in a closed psychiatric unit.
-----------------------
(I wanna clean my last year's posts some time.. sorry for going rampant on this site)
|
|
|
Post by Corvus Dei on Jun 3, 2020 12:29:09 GMT
EDIT 3: My mind strategy (basics: CATEGORIZE ideas and keep things seperate! like when you tidy a house or office or something) -during (almost) psychotic or just confused/delirious states: name things by their name... color... use words factually.. list things in your environment and if possible, make simple mental maps -during normal state but perhaps weaker spot due to tiredness, being alone long or other stuff: hey, now you have the mental capacity to actually spot those delusional ideas when they pop up! All you need is a list of them and if you're in a more weird state you can go ahead and play Delusion Bingo: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delusion#ThemesCategorizing thought: 1. fictional 2. factual 3. imaginitive 4. speculative 5. remaining -------------------------- Option two is more like... when you comfy in known personal environment and safe... going with it xD Psychosis = free trip. "I can get high on oxygen" Music is way more intense and creative writing and drawing comes easier... heheh. Reading heavy material can be interesting too, but bit weird and sometimes too intense. During these sessions I like to be left alone, and so I got rather irritated in clinic when staff and patients kept intruding. >_> EDIT: the last 4 weeks also had very serious aspects to them but i do not feel at ease to talk about it yet. Edit 2: This I have experienced over the past weeks in home environment and 15-30 mg Abilify a day: "Enriched housing provides the opportunity for exercise and exposure to multimodal stimuli. The increased visual, physical, and cognitive stimulation all translates into more neuronal activity and synaptic communication, which can produce structural or molecular activity-dependent alterations.[63][64] Sensory inputs from environmental stimuli are initially processed by the cortex before being transmitted to the hippocampus along an afferent pathway, suggesting the activity-mediated effects of enrichment can be far-reaching within the brain.[64] BDNF expression is significantly enhanced by environmental enrichment and appears to be the primary source of the ability of environmental enrichments to enhance cognitive processes. Environmental enrichment enhances synaptogenesis, dendridogenesis, and neurogenesis, leading to improved performance on various learning and memory tasks. BDNF mediates more pathways involved in these enrichment-induced processes than any other molecule and is strongly regulated by calcium activity making it incredibly sensitive to neuronal activity. " Also upped my calcium during this time, a lot of dairy products, and some cognitive and other exercises BDNF level didn't seem dose dependent, so i can keep a low dose or intermittant doses (need to plan this one out yet) as a cognitive enhancer. Upping the dose around May each year though for protection against mania/psychosis Sources: pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22213405/A downside (?) of higher BDNF levels: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brain-derived_neurotrophic_factor#GABAergic_signalingCertainly a possible downside:" Epilepsy Epilepsy has also been linked with polymorphisms in BDNF. Given BDNF's vital role in the development of the landscape of the brain, there is quite a lot of room for influence on the development of neuropathologies from BDNF. Levels of both BDNF mRNA and BDNF protein are known to be up-regulated in epilepsy.[86] BDNF modulates excitatory and inhibitory synaptic transmission by inhibiting GABAA-receptor-mediated post-synaptic currents.[87] This provides a potential mechanism for the observed up-regulation. " After taking Abilify for 5 weeks I have my tremors again. They are rather mild but annoying enough.
|
|
|
Post by Corvus Dei on Jul 18, 2020 16:24:09 GMT
Quit my meds (Abilify) but got them on hand in case hallucinations act up.
On the benzo (lorazepam) and quetiapine (this stuff makes me actually trip before sleep lol). Wanna taper it cause makes me irritable, anxious and too tired afterwards.
Moved out of dad's spider/bug/mold biohazard hellhole. Travelling for a month in Eastern Europe cause family roots and affordable... gonna see my nephew and nieces :<
|
|
|
Post by Corvus Dei on Jul 18, 2020 17:55:15 GMT
After stalling... here's the actual trip report! Let's call it a dark psychotic episode.. I think that fits
Ingredients: -paranoid room mate - 3-5 days of sleep deprivation - haldol
Results:
"THE ILLUMINATI TOOK OVER THIS CITY. They are spying on us as we sit and speak here. They poisoned the tap water with corona and damaging chemicals.
Acid rain from an ominous dark red sky is pouring over the trees and buildings. In the far distance I hear a young woman scream. I know it is in my head, but I know what it is supposed to mean.. someone who was taken away into a clinic years ago and no one ever heard from her again. All I feel is someone trapped and screaming out a pain of mental? death that will never be heard or cared about... there's nothing I can do... I don't think or feel much now myself and body and mind feel like they've been forcefully split into two...
As I succumb into the couch unable to feel or control my own body anymore, the nightmarish sense of doom seeps deeper into my lingering awareness that has lost touch with the normal waking or sleeping. I can feel myself blend in with the particles around me, and get the feeling like nature itself is angrily crying out to me... "you are poisoning and killing life, we're all slowly dying..."...
I wake up in the toilet... looks like I've been puking.. don't remember a thing but can't even think in a category of remembering... just some kind of relief I did not suffocate..
Lights flashing and trailing as I walk through the appartment which currently rests at night... only one thing on my mind now, need to guard the door... need to guard the door... need to guard it while my roommate sleeps... (this made sense because her insane ex bf had the keys)
<skip even worse delusional part about abduction and being sold on the black market and whatever when I did try to sleep>
.....
Things get worse when roommate gets me to do groceries in heat wave when sun is back up... more lost time, memories, perception not making sense.. I need an ambulance, I can't walk or breathe, my muscles are uselessly limp... takes hours on phone to convince emergency services I need help... takes dad 2 days to get the faint idea I am not doing well despite telling, begging and warning him... ("seems like a nice place and roommate, you should stay here")
jeez..
few months later...
yeah I'm fine now
*sips mineral water*
need to pack my stuff for tomorrow...
TL:DR: haldol+insomnia suck
|
|
|
Post by Corvus Dei on Jul 20, 2020 8:15:32 GMT
Trip day nummer... 1-ish:
damn fine other motherland this is (it smells the same as 20 years ago too.. safety and luxury updated tho).. only they sold me old milk and there's a heat wave and doing it all on limited budget xD
1 week ancestral-ish city then into the mountains probably..
first solo journey... ever I think.. yay
|
|
|
Post by Corvus Dei on Jul 22, 2020 6:41:15 GMT
Day 2: saw more of the city with nephew, walk n talk. Amazing parks and botanical garden. Much renovated or newly built. Some signs from WW2 here and there (including a non-detonated explosive in the cathedral wall). Stuck on where to go on sunday. Maybe leave some of the travel bags behind with family so I can travel more lightly. Thunderstorm the other day WW2 memorial:
|
|
|
Post by Corvus Dei on Jul 24, 2020 12:04:30 GMT
Mountains are full going for some longer term rental perhaps then.. Beyond angry for some reasons right now.. (around 2 things that have brought me into an almost homicidal rage: 1. injustice/(death) threats from family, and injustice and indirect semi-death-threats from psychiatry........)... Edit: ok so to deal with my anger issues I am joining this local gang
|
|
|
Post by Corvus Dei on Jul 28, 2020 5:39:07 GMT
Calming down in mountain village, warmly received by tourist guide host. Mountains scaled: 1 (600 m) Catholic relics stolen from ancient monasteries: 0 Water tapped from a sacred source: handful? Gored by boars, mountain lions or wolves: 0 Masking social awkwardness with corona mask: 100% ...
|
|
|
Post by Corvus Dei on Jul 31, 2020 16:03:27 GMT
Bed-ridden by near-lethal hypochondria. Or something. More hikes soon.
Christians insulted online count: 1 Polish-Catholic Church Organ Music 2019/2020: EDIT: spiders xD fskjdbkfjglkfhgfgj nooo please go somewhere else (is it possible to recruit one spider to kill the rest?) edit Anarchy in Poland (?):
|
|
|
Post by Corvus Dei on Aug 3, 2020 19:58:50 GMT
Day 8: Rain -> Spiders inside (specifically bathroom). (outside: huge snails and poisonous looking yellow black... gecko-ish things. ) "Don't step on me" Snails look edible in case of budget problems.
|
|
|
Post by Corvus Dei on Aug 6, 2020 10:28:07 GMT
Day Something: herbal pills arrived + mineral water: hey I can focus again and that gnawing pain is receding early morning holy water tapping with a view
|
|
|
Post by Corvus Dei on Aug 8, 2020 18:04:44 GMT
Day Too Much Sun let's play Skyrim irl and steal a horse.
|
|
|
Post by Corvus Dei on Aug 8, 2020 18:08:12 GMT
Oh btw. Caylus, if you somehow read this
while I walked up to the horse arena had a vision/something, anyway saw you riding a black steed, wearing long black robes. Short but vivid (could even draw it if you want me to).
Any idea on significance, if any perhaps?
|
|
|
Post by Corvus Dei on Aug 13, 2020 11:34:02 GMT
Day 30
After a month of drought wildfires have broken out. Waterprice has risen tenfold. The shop shelves are empty.
Half the village is in ruins. Factions have formed.
A few fellow Gay for Jesus Anarchists have occupied the central church.
I have traded in my phone for a soviet era kalashnikov.
Wasted all my bullets firing at the sun.
Fellow anarchists gave me a time out in the church cellar until I act reasonable.
At least it's colder here and I can't see the sun..
....
|
|
|
Post by Corvus Dei on Aug 19, 2020 17:18:19 GMT
Ok on more serious note
stuff seems to have decent anti depressive properties:
- l tyrosine (500-1000 mg) - rhodiola rosea (!) (250-500 mg)
Calming:
- Magnesium, B-vitamins, Vit C
Sleep: switching to melatonin from benzo and quetia (1-2 mg)
Lewd stuff:
Harriete, please contact.
Nerves/energy:
coconut oil for energy
fish oil for white matter shizzle or something.
...
gnight.
|
|