Woman of Stars Serenade

I've observed that some of you are going through difficult times lately.  Hang in there <3 <3 <3

One heart for each of you three.

Just don’t feel worthy of whatever this is, if anything. Truth be told, am a little lot over it.

Been feeling like a caged animal my entire life...

Hmm...been long noticing something seems a little off about this site. Not in a bad way but curious nonetheless.

<3<3<3

The content available at that link has since been updated. The day i posted they were celebrating their annual summer convention, with the theme of light and darkness. Here's an updated link to the talks presented. I have wondered if the world teacher is among those presenters. Who knows what form that being will take, if he/she/it ever does materialize on this plane.  Don't think they will be what we are necessarily expecting.

<3

Here's the link just in case:
www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLRtuDWE10sVeCo3TD-vQrpOZo1BL0mCX2

Because in the process you are broken down so much that you almost feel like you are being punished, working out a past karmic debt that makes you wonder what kind of soul you really are. You’re basically hung upside down, gutted, and left there to fester in a way. Still achingly alive and aware, humiliated, being made aware of your very real faults and weaknesses. Which tend to overshadow any good qualities or virtues maybe developed along the way. And so you feel like a speck of nothing worthwhile or anything really that good. Worse yet, is that you may actually somehow along the way have developed an ability to influence your surroundings and then you start to wonder what kind of energy you are letting loose on the world. But that’s delusional, right? That’s where the delusions of grandeur kick in and you have to keep yourself in check. There’s a lot of humble pie eaten along the way. A lot. Guess it’s about ego death. Mine is still putting up a fight.

I also don’t feel that I should be thinking so outside the box - giving thought to the nothingness and void of existence really makes me very sad and lonely. I don’t know if that line of thought comes with an expanded consciousness but it feels like I am alone and adrift in an unfamiliar space. It’s harder and harder to stay rooted in most of humanity’s wavelength or level of consciousness. Kind of plugged into something else and it feels sort of comfortable and familiar but lonely at the same time. I am not out of touch with this “reality” though. Not yet anyway. I am living in two different worlds maybe. Not fully in one or the other.

The caged animal reference is because I have felt that way for a long time - pre-dating GLP or anything that starting happening more actively in the last 10 years. It’s like I am on the outside looking in on your world. Watching and observing, going through some really funky and dark life situations. Like an anthropologist of some sort, learning and studying and understanding. It is as if I am not allowed to partake and do the things that so many humans do. It’s some kind of internal prime directive. Which really makes things hard because I am human. I have lived a very austere lifestyle especially in the last 10 years, of my own volition. I guess because it feels like the right thing to do. But that, in a way, sets me apart and makes me someone of a very peculiar nature amongst the vast majority. And because of the way things have been happening, it feels like somebody else is in control and schooling me on stuff, too. Like I have little to no say, which makes me mad because I have a very rebellious, stubborn, and willful streak in me. I think those qualities have always existed in my essence though. 

I am just sharing, hoping to better understand what is happening. Not because I think I am anyone in particular or anything special. LOL.

woah i just took the time to read this whole thread and i have to say it resonated very strongly with me. Please allow me to also indulge in some sharing. for so long how ive wished wished wished i could simply open up and speak my mind, let whatever is inside gush out to allow me a moment of peace.. but you see.. my biggest problem (not trying to make this about me, just speaking from my experience which is all i have truly) has been my mind wanting to be precise (perfectionist) in what i seek to express but at the same time knowing/feeling somewhat inadequate complicating everything.. because a part of me wishes i had a mind of the caliber i see on display in this forum and other forums but i do not.. so in essence ive been plagued by a sense of insecurity for a LOOOONG time and of course trying very hard to hide it/run from it.

im not unintelligent, in fact i do not believe anyone truly is.. because we all have energy and if this energy isnt' manifesting mentally in someone, its manifesting through the heart or the body or whatever dimension is proper for them. Anyway, ive spent a lot of time and energy trying to become comfortable in my own skin, something that i can honestly say had eluded me most of my life and drove me to a seclusion of sorts where i too was straddling worlds for most of my experience.. i had no problem operating in the world of people but would find it nearly impossible to connect in a meaningful way with others beyond that would allow me to process the pain i picked up along the way.. I had no problem connecting in other ways though so itś certainly not all bad news.

im finally reaching a point where i feel comfortable/safe and vulnerable enough to relate what my own experience (thanks to everyone who has posted here and anywhere trying to engage lurkers, what a beautiful act of service that is:))). also, things are picking up speed.. its remarkable the kind of progress we are able to make once we determine there are things in life we truly desire and that this is absolutely worth fighting for. i could write a ton on that and at some point i likely will.. all part of a healing journey.

thereś something else i feel compelled to say though.. iḿ not sure i will ever reach (or desire to) reach a state where i am ecstatic or joyfully happy all the time. and i am more than ok with that, in fact it feels appropiate. The critical lesson i am now learning is around clinging.. the issue is NOT what we feel or how intense it is, al contrario, for my money thats what makes human experience such an extraordinary trip. the issue lies with not letting go.. of the experience, of the past, of the positive emotions it may trigger.. anything really.

So yea.. i guess iḿ experiencing more fluidity in my awareness and catch myself much more often when i obssess in some way. Now.. there ARE degrees of obssession.. plus, i am aware that if i seek to attract a particular experience or circumstance into my life, then its ok to willfully or intentionally dwell on it. Iḿ sure everyone has a different metric for this but.. in my own experience, the natal chart is a useful tool in determining what is ´appropiate´ , sotospeak.

An example being.. iḿ a male leo.. with a cancer moon. when i try to ensnare others into the awesomeness of astrology, i almost always bring that up and how i feel it gives me a womans intuition. which i feel it does. another thing is that it makes me one moody biaatch... which iḿ less prone to confess to, that aspect of my being is reserved for those i truly care for ha! This being so, it´s certainly not out of ´character´ for me to display those states.. its perfectly normal. The crux lies in not becoming indulgent.. something i have been in the past, before i understood the astrology.. and even after honestly, its not enough to understand, it truly is work trying to become aware of these dynamics, at least it has been for me.

Another astrological example.. i have a leo venus. MMMM.. ok. This makes me crush prone and obssessive in romance. Coupled that with a lifetime of NOT being comfortable being in my own body, very reserved, feeling awkward.. perhaps you get the picture, its been a mostly unpleasent trip, extremely frustrating is an understatement. The thing is, i have endured sufficient heartache over this that at this point.. even though my natural tendency is still to crush hard after someone i feel attracted to, if push came to shove and i realized it stood no chance.. (if the girl were to state it in plain terms..) id be able to move on in a heartbeat. However.. if there remains a single shred of hope, i will crush hard and it may even look obsessive to an objective third party.. but fukc if i care cause its my experience ya know? and its all i have.. and she´s all i ever wanted <3 the universe knows this.

Whats the point of all this sharing? i really don´t think there is one. i guess im just glad im actually striking the keys on this board and likely to hit the ´reply´ button, something i would often think about doing but did not have enough security whithin to do.. or rather i felt that way.. but now? Now i feel different. i feel like i have nothing to lose.. cause its increasingly true! nah.. rather.. its the opposite.. for you see, i DO have something to lose.. something so dear and important to me.. a possibility so wondrous.. and the thought of losing that is more terrifying than any of the ridiculous monsters ive had to face to get to this point.

tl, dr: Thank you <3 <3 <3

ps. Whats going on?
ps2. whats the plan? lol

i was thinking about astrology. a while back i remember reading the true purpose and endgoal of astrology is to transcend our own charts; to ultimately be free of the influence the planets and the archetypes (archons?) exert on our sense of being.

what does that truly mean though? specially in the context of having an ego.. and it being a psychological necessity for navigating our human experience. i realize many spiritual seekers (at least in my own limited experience) have arrived at their understanding through an Eastern cultural/spiritual framework and these often place a strong emphasis on the need for doing a ton of work around the ego ie to subdue it or get rid of it in some way. My feeling is there is a ton of misunderstanding about this and is perhaps the area of our life experience we (collectively) need to work on, to bring to the surface and deliberate and explore and discuss..

personally, ive come to accept the fact that as long as i exist in human form i will have an ego and this needn't be a bad thing, on the contrary even. The key for me has been balance. You see, for a long time my ego had full reins of the destructo-wagon that was my life. This took on interesting forms.. i wasn't particularly selfish; mostly generous with others in fact. Overall in terms of outward/social behavior (excepting addictions and deep shadow issues..) most people likely considered me a 'nice' person (i could be way off here), or at least that was my overall impression.

In terms of my awareness though.. truly ignorance is bliss! not realizing there is no such thing as privacy as far as the Universe is concerned, i was entirely self-focused in my inner existence. Sure, there were people in my life but this mattered little to me beyond how their actions impacted my own reality.. at times i even dabbled in solipsism.. though not really.. well, maybe. Can you blame a ginormous Ego carefully crafted over a lifetime of self-imposed isolation tho?? (excuse the drama)
And so it was, my general stumbling about through life in a deep state of inner narcissism, completely enamored of my own private inner domain where i was king and felt truly free. but.. something had to give..

as soon as i experienced phenomena of consciousness beyond the everyday, i knew i'd been doing it wrong. i'd been exercising my awareness in a very limited and self-serving manner. i realized intuitively that i was indeed connected to the world and that if i truly wanted to take a stand as a decent human being, i had a ton of work to do around my attention/awareness and the way i chose to exercise it otherwise i would be a hypocrite (among other things..). The thing is.. the battle rages to this very day, though things have improved and most importantly, the link between the decisions i make around this and how I FEEL are stronger than ever and is perhaps the biggest tool in the arsenal against imbalance..

i'm guessing this whole having a balanced awareness/attention/perception will look different for everyone so i can only describe what it is like for me. i like to think of it as 51% to 49%. As in, 49% of my experience is focused on 'me', my persona, my ego, the mental vehicle allowing me a somewhat coherent experience of life.. and its very real needs. The little me, the one that's petty, afraid the one that's oftentimes misunderstood, kinda weird but also gentle, loving, kind and humorous. Before i can say i had a solid 99% of my awareness exclusively focused in that way..

then wEiRd shit went down.. most of it beautiful, some of it daunting, all of it awesome. that feeling.. of realizing there's waaaay more out there than my puny human mind could ever contemplate. Then the realization: it takes work to experience that. So i began to work. Over time and by keeping at it, chipping away bit by bit over the years, i've finally arrived at a point where i feel content. This is because at least half of my attention is spent on Listening (or perhaps my huge ego has convinced itself this is so? who the hell knows? God?? lol).. most of it in silence. Or to my body. To my emotions. To the larger Reality beyond my mental egoic vehicle..Definitely other people though.. in fact, mostly other people. this takes the form of trying to be present with them, getting my own ego out of the way when interacting with them so that whatever my being shares with them pertains to their circumstance, their path and not my own need for validation.. though often failing of courseee.

Astrology? yes please. My ego isn't going anywhere, i might as well entertain some of the strings which are pulling it in so many directions. it's also great for understanding others in some way though of course nothing beats.

another post about nothing at all really.. just indulging my ego. and contradicting myself heavily.. in some other post/time i spoke to my experience of only somehow now beginning to understand what having an ego is.. mmm hypocrisy? paradox? lunacy? i'll think about what i meant to say and perhaps explore that in a post. why not right? if you've stumbled onto these words, i wish you peace and godspeed <3

Thank you, it's nice to know we can relate to each other.