Why is this happening to you?

You are experiencing a level of consciousness that is relatively new to this reality.

It is rather a paradox than your standard blueprint such as religion or other forms of mind control and conditioning.

You are both your saviour and destroyer at battle with yourself.  This is what you have chosen.

You can label entities within your own universe and give them power, but they do not have any real power over you other than suggestion which you can see through if you know yourself.

You should not look to blame but own responsibility for everything you do. Where you are now, where you go from there, that is up to you.  There is a lot of weight on you right now and it can be very difficult to move but not impossible. Momentum is the key here.

If you are going to engage in society and interfere/interact with people you will need to understand they are sleeping and not to wake them. There will be consequences for that. I know you want to wake as many as you can but you do not even know what they are and what you really are yet.   Essentially you are a shape shifter and reality is made up of patterns and shape so you can figure out what I mean.

You will have friends and allies but they almost never reveal themselves.  It helps to know they exist and are there at times, watching, helping and interfering.  There will be a lot more people out there that want to pull you into their realm of consciousness so they can feed off your attention.  You have an almost unlimited supply of energy but you are the same as a battery in that you will become depleted and need to recharge.  When you are depleted you will struggle to maintain homeostasis and your thoughts can turn on you.  This is what is happening now to you.

Right now you need to regain control of your life.  Take small steps in the direction you want to go and be aware of who you are interacting with. 

I do not need to tell you any of this to be honest because I think you already know. 

You know so much but have applied so little to yourself.

Oh and when you can, get yourself a pet so you can love something unconditionally.  Its rather healthy for people like us.