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Post by Caylus Ark on Aug 18, 2017 0:06:28 GMT
Lightness of Being GreyPlease don't read this if you have an eating disorder. It's old, I'll work on a new section for general psychology when I am back from rez, and share more about the present there. Thanks everyone. Some big spirit stuff is in works but it takes... Ehh... Manifesting time
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Post by ben on Aug 20, 2017 15:12:37 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2017 23:33:39 GMT
Bump for notifications - I'm gonna read your blog soon while holidays <3
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2017 21:13:56 GMT
Caylus, thanks for having the courage to share about eating disorder. Just wondering if you still have residual after-effects of disorder eating habits? I know a bit about disorder eating habit but I was(is a bit still) sorta on opposite spectrum of yours. Now I just try to eat the following healthy food items such as almonds, lettuce, onions, carrots, olives, and sweet onion dressing. I lost like 40 lbs off from just eating the said food items for about more than 1 month (along with minimum exercise such as walking). But though.... see below: 1. lots of carbs, i know but every once in a while... 2. just fuck it, and enjoy eating it. life existence is boredom without goddamn good food stuff every once in a while or sometime.
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Post by Caylus Ark on Oct 14, 2017 19:35:14 GMT
Caylus, thanks for having the courage to share about eating disorder. Just wondering if you still have residual after-effects of disorder eating habits? I know a bit about disorder eating habit but I was(is a bit still) sorta on opposite spectrum of yours. Now I just try to eat the following healthy food items such as almonds, lettuce, onions, carrots, olives, and sweet onion dressing. I lost like 40 lbs off from just eating the said food items for about more than 1 month (along with minimum exercise such as walking). But though.... see below: 1. lots of carbs, i know but every once in a while... 2. just fuck it, and enjoy eating it. life existence is boredom without goddamn good food stuff every once in a while or sometime. To be quite honest with you, I'm not better yet at all. My ED is so deeply rooted in all my self hatred and trauma I think it's going to take awhile for me to stop using restriction to hurt myself. I think I see myself one day being able to keep my urges in check, but I don't think the eating disorder thoughts and feelings will ever go away. They are probably going to be something that I live with forever. The closest I ever got to being rid of the eating disorder was when I was obsessed with GLP, but that was even worse then the eating disorder. I basically made my brain explode with that...
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Post by Caylus Ark on Oct 14, 2017 19:47:08 GMT
I would, hmm....I would go so far as to say, that now my ED has taken on a special role because of all the self-hatred I bear regarding GLP and the way that I dropped out of college...that in a lot of ways, by not eating, I feel that I am punishing myself for my mistakes and at the same time, keeping myself numb from my feelings of depression regarding those mistakes.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2017 20:47:20 GMT
I would, hmm....I would go so far as to say, that now my ED has taken on a special role because of all the self-hatred I bear regarding GLP and the way that I dropped out of college...that in a lot of ways, by not eating, I feel that I am punishing myself for my mistakes and at the same time, keeping myself numb from my feelings of depression regarding those mistakes. Caylus Ark, overcome those mistakes and there are whole life ahead of you to experience. LET GO of negative mistakes, you're wonderful and super-smart person. Caylus Ark, I am being serious... If I may be bold... I've been hardcore hard on myself far more than you and possibly anyone on earth for what I done over tiny and big stupid mistakes I ever done. Remember..... you are fucking human being just trying to experience and testing life what its like. Try not undervalue or low-estimate or worse self-doubt yourself like I did. I was recently told that everyone have a degree of chemistry and psyche fucked up in their mind, but told to be relax and say that will get there eventually in sorta positive way somehow.
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Post by Corvus Dei on Oct 14, 2017 21:11:55 GMT
I would, hmm....I would go so far as to say, that now my ED has taken on a special role because of all the self-hatred I bear regarding GLP and the way that I dropped out of college...that in a lot of ways, by not eating, I feel that I am punishing myself for my mistakes and at the same time, keeping myself numb from my feelings of depression regarding those mistakes. Man, I feel for you. It's good you have awareness of what kind of processes are going on in your ED. From awareness there is much more you can do, than when things stay hidden, as I'm sure you know. So, some reflective questions I have for you, or maybe you can try this out (I certainly don't want to push you to answer here, since these are pretty personal questions), but what happens for you when you don't punish yourself for your mistakes? Or what would you imagine would happen, or what consequences would it have in your mind, if you didn't punish yourself? As you suggest the punishment already has, in a sense, a 'helpful' function, in that it numbs your feelings of depression. So it shields you from feeling the pain of failure, or something along those lines. So a similar question, what would it entail to feel the pain of failure? Also, what would it say about your beliefs about yourself? If this isn't too painful or confrontational, you could write down the answers for yourself and perhaps journal, explore a bit. You might already be familiar with the cognitive approach of challenging these underlying core beliefs about yourself, by supplementing opposing evidence (so for example if you have a core belief like 'I'm a failure at life, for this and that reason', you could weigh against that successes and achievements in your life, and so come to a more balanced view.. for example that both achievements and failures are part of your life. What I would also suggest, and the book I recommended to you on Telegram can help with this, is questioning the relationship between your self-worth and your real world achievements. Is what you are, your identity and intrinsic worth, really that dependent on what you have achieved or failed at so far? Or is there more to your person, more depth and meaning, worth, than external actions can reflect?) The cognitive approached has helped me over time to see how certain beliefs I held about myself or the world, were exaggerated or skewed, from a more objective, common sense perspective. Fundamental, deep rooted, emotionally laden attitudes can be hard to change though, and cognitive behavioral therapy alone wasn't enough for me, personally. I can't quite put the finger on what helped me the most, but all I know is that it's been a decade or older struggle to accept parts of myself, defend and forgive myself, give myself new chances etc. Certainly helps if others do this for you as well, and don't weigh you down with toxic sense of shame or guilt. I hope this post was of any use, and I'm available to vent to or whatever if you ever feel a need for that.
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Post by Caylus Ark on Oct 18, 2017 23:09:16 GMT
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